Grandpa's Bad Bug

Contributed and compiled by Kathleen Kremer.

(Tommy, Chuckie, Phil, and Lil in playpen in the living room, playing with a firefly; Stu & Didi (Tommy's mom and dad) are there reading; Grandpa Pickles enters the room)

Grandpa: Well, I'm off to my pinochle tourney at the lodge. Don't wait up.

Stu: Woah, hold on. We talked about this, Pop. (puts down paper and walks to grandfather). You promised no more of these all-nighters. Remember the last time you got so tired we couldn't get you out of bed for a week? It's not healthy for a man your age.

Grandpa: A man my age? Why I'm as fit as I was when I was an ensign in the corps. And back then we used to stay up for 15 days in a row, and we liked it.

Stu: Pop!

Grandpa: Aw, shucks! You never let me play with my friends!

Stu: Pop, you promised. Remember what you used to say to me when I was a kid? "If a promise you don't keep, it will haunt you in your sleep. And as you lie beneath your quilt, you will have a conscience full of guilt."

Grandpa: Oh, all right. I'll be back early. I promise.

Didi: Have fun Pop!

Grandpa: Heh.

(leaves the house)

(cut to early morning hours; grandpa enters the home holding his shoes just as the milk truck passes by)

Grandpa: Ohhh ohhh ohhh...shhhh...

(cut to kids sleeping in a crib together; hear Grandpa yell downstairs in pain; all the kids wake up)

Chuckie: What was that?

(cut to grandpa downstairs holding his foot, having run into the floor lamp, he picks up his shoes and sneaks to the stairs)

Grandpa: (whispering to himself) "If a promise you don't keep, it will haunt you in your sleep. But if it's cards you like to play, then sneak in and sleep all day." Heheheh...

(suddenly the light turns on, and Stu & Didi come down the stairs, dressed already)

Didi: Pop! What are you doing up at this hour?

Grandpa: Oh, well, I uh- I just uh-

Stu: Well, I for one am glad you're up early Pop. Dee Dee and I have decided to weed the whole yard today, and now you can help us do it as a family. Come on, Pop. Grab a shovel, roll up your sleeves, and bond with us.

(kids peer down from top of the stairs)

Tommy: It's Grandpa!

Grandpa: Well, uh- (stammers) I'd, I'd love to help ya boy, but, uh, the reaStu I'm up so early is that, I'm uh uh (stammers), I'm sick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I uh, I woke up with an upset stomach. I think I got a bug. It hurts right here (points to stomach). Ohhh, ahhhh ahh ahh!

Tommy: (to friends) Did you guys hear that? My grandpa's got a bug in his tummy.

Chuckie: Ewww! He ate a bug?

Phil: Wow, he is the "bestest" grownup ever!

Lil: I've always liked him.

Didi: Oh Pop! I'm so sorry you're not feeling well. Do you need to see a doctor?

Grandpa: No, no, no, no, no I'm, I'm just gonna get myself up, uh, back up to bed. Try sleepin' this, owww, thing off.

Stu: Well, okay. I'll , I'll bring you some ginger ale and crackers. You just take it easy Pop.

Grandpa: I'm really sorry. I wish I could, owww, help. All that work for you (walks up the stairs, then talking to self) Heeeh, and then sneak in and sleep all day. Heheheh...

(cut to Mom putting Tommy in playpen in living room with Chuckie, Phil, and Lil; all drinking bottles)

Didi: Here you go!

Lil: (burps) I was thinkin'. Your grandpa "eated" a bug, right?

Tommy: Right.

Lil: And it "getted" him sick?

Tommy: That's what he said.

Lil: But me and Phillip "eated" a "bazillion" bugs and we never "getted" sick.

Tommy: Hmmm.. I guess it must have been a bad bug.

Phil: Hhh, there's bad bugs.

Lil: Just when I thought there was something I could depend on!

Chuckie: Well, at least the bag bug is all the way up there and we're all the way down here where he can't get us!

Tommy: Chuckie's right! If a bug is making my grandpa sick, then we got to go up there and get it out of him.

Chuckie: I said that? (Tommy, Phil, and Lil start to leave) Hey, guys! Um, I don't think that's what I said.

(cut to Grandpa sleeping in bedroom; the kids and stare at him)

Chuckie: How are we gonna get that bug out of there?

Tommy: Well, let's see. What would make a bug go from some place to some place else?

Lil: How about a picnic?

Tommy: What do you mean?

Lil: Well, our mommy "tooked" us to a picnic, and all the buggies came from wherever they "was" to all over the food.

Tommy: But, where are we gonna find a picnic food.

Phil: (pulling food out of his pants; handing stuff to Tommy) I still got some old cheese from that picnic.

Tommy: That's great Phil. What else we got?

Phil: I got a chunk of hot dog and some cake.

(giving stuff to Tommy)

Chuckie: Hey, you got anything else in there?

Phil: (looking in his pants) No, not right now.

Tommy: Good goin' Phil. Follow me.

(the kids go onto the bed)

Tommy: "All's we's" got to do now is make a picnic on my grandpa's face and the bug will come out to eat it.

Chuckie: I don't think this is a very good idea.

(kids place the food on his face; it enters his mouth and he spits it out, coughing loudly; the kids in fear hide under his bed; Stu runs into the bedroom)

Stu: Pop, what's wrong?!

Grandpa: Tastes like I just swallowed a conflab sweat sock!

Stu: Okay, I'll go down and get you some fresh gingerale!

(grabs the cup, and runs out of the room)

Grandpa: (sees image of Stu which says "If a promise you don't keep, it will haunt you in your sleep!) Ah, phooey!

(places mask over eyes again and falls back asleep)

(kids emerge from under the bed)

Chuckie: Well, I guess if that bug isn't gonna come out, there's nothing else we can do. Let's go.

Tommy: Chuckie's right. We gotta go in and get it.

Chuckie: What? What did I... oh!

(sighs; kids walk away)

(cut to later in Grandpa's room; the kids are crawling on his bed again as grandpa sleeps)

Tommy: Flashlight?

(Chuckie turns it on and holds it up)

Tommy: Nose

(Lil holds grandpa's nose so he opens his mouth)

Tommy: Block

(Phil puts a block in grandpa's mouth to prop it open; he looks into his throat and sees the flap that hangs in the back of your mouth - I forget what it is called!) Hhhhh, I see the bug! It's moving around! Pliers!

Lil: (hands him the pliers) Wow.

Phil: Come on Chuckie! Take a look! It's not scary!

(all the kids look down the grandpa's throat)

Chuckie: Oh boy! I don't think this is a very good idea either.

(Tommy puts pliers down grandpa's throat)

(cut to Stu downstairs pouring ginger ale; he jumps when he hears grandpa scream and spills the soda all over himself)

Stu: Huh?

(cut to Grandpa's bedroom; Stu enters)

Stu: Wwaaaa, what's wrong? Are you okay? What's wrong?

Grandpa: (coughing) It feels like a lobster's been shakin' hands with my tonsils.

(Stu looks down his throat; the back looks mangled from the pliers)

Stu: You're throat looks awful. That must be one mean bug you've got in there Pop.

Grandpa: Bug? Oh oh, right right. The bug! Yeah, yeah, I guess so.

Stu: Oh, try to get some rest

(he leaves the room)

Grandpa: (sees Stu image saying "And as you lie beneath your quilt, you will have a conscience full of guilt.") Codflamit!

(pulls eye mask down and goes back to bed)

(kids emerge from under the bed)

Chuckie: I guess that bug really doesn't want to come out.

Tommy: Uh, I don't know guys. I wish I could just go into my grandpa and fight that bad bug.

Chuckie: But you're too big, Tommy.

Tommy: I know. Maybe if we can find something smaller to help us.

Phil: How about another bug?

Lil: A good bug!

Phil: Sure, just like the Reptar movie. The good monster always wins!

Chuckie: Yeah, but that's a movie. Things never turn out like they do in the movies.

Tommy: Chuckie's right. All's we gotta do is find a good bug and bring it to my grandpa to fight the bad bug.

(Chuckie sighs)

(cut to the parents weeding in the backyard; the kids enter)

Phil: Look (pointing to some holes in the ground from weeding) Your mom and dad dug us a bunch of really good bug holes.

Lil: (picking up a bug) Here's a good buggy.

Phil: (pulling another one out) Wait! Let's use this one. It's even better.

Lil: No it isn't Phillip.

Phil: Yes it is Lillian!

Tommy: Okay guys. We'll take 'em both.

(Stu sees kids putting hands into the holes in the ground)

Stu: Oh, look at that, Deed. The kids are trying to help us!

Didi: They're so sweet!

Chuckie: Hey (pulling another bug out), this little guy's cute.

Tommy: Well, I guess he can go too.

Lil: Ew, this one's really fuzzy.

Phil: And this one's got lots of legs.

Tommy: Okay guys! That's enough! No more good bugs!

(cut to the kids entering the kitchen with a bucket and hands full of bugs)

Tommy: This is ridiculous. We "gots" too many!

(he drops from bugs from his bucket and Phil picks them up)

Phil: You can't have too many good bugs.

Lil: (picks up remaining bug) Ohh, you're coming with me, Mr. Juicy!

(cut to kids in grandpa's room; Tommy gets on bed and the others raise the bucket of bugs to him and then get on the bed; Lil picks up a bug to eat it and Phil stops her)

Phil: No, Lillian! Not today. These bugs "gots" a job to do.

Tommy: Okay guys. That bad bug is in my grandpa "somewheres. " And these good bugs "is" gonna get it out of there.

(they put the bugs all over the bed)

Phil: (putting caterpillars by Grandpa's ears) Put the "kittypillars" up here in case that bug tries to escape out of Grandpa's ears.

Tommy: This guy's big and strong. It can lead them into my grandpa (puts it on his face). We'd better get out of the way. This could get messy!

(the kids get off the bed)

Chuckie: (laughing) Now this is a good idea!

(as Grandpa sleeps, he again thinks of Stu's saying "If a promise you don't keep, it will haunt you in your sleep. And as you lie beneath your quilt, you will have a conscience full of guilt.")

Tommy: I think he's going in

(as the one bug almost falls into Grandpa's mouth)

Grandpa: (wakes up as sees all the bugs; screams and runs out of the room) Help me, help me! Awwww awww!

Tommy: We did it! The bad bug's gone! Grandpa's not sick anymore.

(the kids cheer)

(cut to grandpa running outside to where Stu & Didi are)

Grandpa: Help! Please, please, I lied, I lied. I'm, I'm not sick. I was out all night at the lodge. I'm sorry! Oh that conflabbed poem. I just want to be able to sleep again. Please! Please! I'll pull weeds! I'll plant weeds! I'll do anything! Please! Please!

(begs Stu)

Stu: Uhhhh...

Didi: Hmmm...

(cut to kids inside looking at this, laughing)

Tommy: Well, that's it you guys! We saved my grandpa!

Lil: Yeah, um, now that he's all better, can we eat the leftovers?

(see kids leave window and hear them munching on the bugs)

Compilation (c) 1998 Kathleen Kremer.

Quotes (c) 1997 Viacom.

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