Clan Of The Duck

Contributed and compiled by Kathleen Kremer.

(Chuckie, Tommy, Phil, and Lil playing outside with mud piles; Chuckie tries to make something but the mud won't form shapes)

Chuckie: This mud isn't working right.

Lil: (tastes her mud) Needs more water.

Tommy: Hurry up Phil.

Phil: (trying to bite a hose) I'm doing my best. I only "gots" three teeth. (punctures the hose with his teeth and water spurts out) Got it!

Chuckie: I wish it wasn't so hot.

Lil: Yeah, didn't it use to be snowing?

Phil: Didn't it feel like ice cream (?) for a while?

Lil: Maybe the sky is broken.

Tommy: I like it when it's hot. It makes Spike's tongue hang out.

Chuckie: Well, it just makes my legs all sweaty. I wish my shorts were shorter like Phil's.

Phil: Uh, they still rub. I've got diaper rash down to my knees.

Tommy: Well, I think a diaper is all any baby ever needs.

Chuckie: I don't know Tommy. Ever since I started going on the potty, a diaper just doesn't feel right.

Lil: Dressies are the "bestest" of all. They don't rub, they're nice and cool, and you still got something over your diaper for when friends come over. 'Course you boys can't wear dressies.

Tommy: We can't?

Lil: No, boys wear pants and girls wear dressies.

Tommy: Well, why do we "got" to wear different stuff?

Lil: 'Cause girls are good and boys are bad, naughty babies.

Tommy: Oh, that's why.

(Betty, her husband Howard , and Didi (Tommy's mom) emerge from the house)

Didi: So is Lil enjoying your mommy and daughter female empowerment class?

Betty: Aw, it's a blast Deed. Yup, today we're doing tumbling, jumping, and a "Let's Take A Control of the Senate" sing-along.

(Didi picks up Tommy)

Didi: Hello sweetie. Ready to run some errands with Mommy?

(Tommy babbles)

Didi: Why don't we meet up over at the park at the International Food Fair, say 2:00?

Betty: Aw, two is peachy. I can't wait to sink my pearly whites into some of those Zambian monkey sweetbreads. Ow wheeh mama! (picks up Lil) So listen, do you think you can take these two jokers to the park on your lonesome there, Howard?

Howard: Well, I suppose I-

Betty: Great! Have fun with Howie guys! ------ (?)

(walks with Didi, Tommy, and Lil into the house)

Howard: Uh... oh whee.

Phil: You know, my mom wears pants and she's a girl.

Chuckie: I guess that's true.

Phil: Well, if girls can wear anything they want, then so can we. Come on Chuckie, we're gonna try on a dressie!

Chuckie: Why does being a boy have to be so hard?

(cut to inside home; Howard is watching tv in the living room)

TV: "And now we return to 'Tinkering with Toothpicks' on The Hobby Channel. When using toothpicks in your arts and crafts projects, it is important to give consideration to what types of toothpicks you are using. For instance, ...."

(Howard yawns and falls asleep; kids sneak past him)

(cut to Chuckie and Phil in the bedroom; Chuckie is in a jumper)

Chuckie: Guess I might as well see how I look. (steps over a vent and the dress lifts) Wow. Dressies are a lot cooler.

(Phil tries to put on a dress, and it gets temporarily caught on his face)

Phil: Yeah, and they're fun too! (twirls around) Look. If you turn around fast enough, your dressie goes up. Try it!

(Chuckie tries to spin but it doesn't work)

Phil: Faster, faster, faster!

(Chuckie tries, but he falls down dizzy)

Phil: That's fast enough.

(cut to them on the bed)

Chuckie: Are you sure we'll be able to fly?

Phil: Sure, it's like a parachute! You first.

(he pushes Chuckie off the bed)

Chuckie: Ow!

Phil: My turn! (jumps and lands on Chuckie) Thanks for catching me.

(cut to them rolling around using the dresses as a sack)

Chuckie: Here I come. (they bump into each other) Dressies are fun, huh?

(cut to Howard still sleeping)

TV: "The history of the toothpick-"

(cut back to Chuckie and Phil)

Chuckie: And with my shorts off, I can go potty right away if I need to. Hmm..

(walks away to the bathroom; Phil takes a nap; Chuckie comes back)

Chuckie: Well, I guess they make good "jammies" too.

(joins Phil for a nap)

(cut back to Howard)

TV: "And next week, on 'Different Size Nails'... "

(hammering on tv wakes Howard up)

Howard: (looking at his watch) Oh goodness gracious!

(grabs some items, drives off with the car, then comes back to house; cut to him in the bedroom grabbing the kids as they sleep, and drives off)

(cut to the fair;  the kids wake up in strollers; a boy named Joey is staring at them)

Joey: Hi.

Chuckie: Um, hi. Where are we?

Joey: At the park. Your folks are probably taking you to the big food fair.

Chuckie: Oh, that's good. I'm kind of hungry.

Joey: I've got some dummy worms in my; lunch box if you want some.

Phil: Yeah.

Chuckie: All right. What about your dad?

Phil: Aw, he'll be okay.

(they follow Joey to a nearby tree where the lunch box is; another boy named Frankie emerges from behind a tree)

Frankie: Hey, Joey. Where are you going?

Joey: To get some candy for my friends.

Frankie: (to Chuckie) Hey, you want to come sit with me instead? I got chocolate.

Joey: Frankie, I saw her first.

(pushing Frankie out of the way)

Chuckie: Her? Hey, hey you guys we're not-

Phil: How much chocolate?

(Frankie pushes Joey)

Frankie: Stay out of this. I really like your dress

(to Chuckie)

Joey: Frankie, she's my friend!

Chuckie: Well, Phil shouldn't we tell 'em?

Frankie: Phil? Your name is Phil?

Phil: Yeah, it's short for... Phillian. And this is... um, Chuckina. Chuckina's a girl too. Isn't that right Chuckina?

Chuckie: Well, um (Joey shows them his candy)... can I have a worm?

Joey: Sure.

Chuckie: Okay. (eats it) Oh, these are good!

Joey: (to Frankie) See, dummy worms are better than chocolate! So why don't you go swing or something.

Frankie: Oh come on Joey. There's two of them You can have the other one.

(the both tug on Chuckie's arms)

Joey: I don't want to share. Let go of her!

Frankie: Make me!

Joey: I will! (Phil watches and eats a candy bar)

Chuckie: Help me, Phillian.! Woooahhh!

(falls down)

(Frankie & Joey gasp)

Chuckie: What? Uh oh.

Joey: Blue underwear?

Frankie: (laughs) Hey Joey. You've been giving candy to a boy?

Joey: Well, you thought he was a girl too.

Frankie: Oh yeah. Let's get 'em.

Joey: Yeah, boys aren't supposed to be wearing dresses.

Phil: Run Chuckie!

(throws a bag of candy at Joey and Frankie; they slip on the pieces)

Phil: This way!

(run through a line of people trying to enter the food fair)

Joey: Come on, I know where there is a hole in the fence.

Chuckie: Oh no.

Joey: Quick! Up that mountain!

(points to picture of mountain; they try to climb it and fall through the picture to the other side into a Sumo Wrestling ring during a match)

Chuckie: Now that makes me mad!

Phil: What?

Chuckie: If "a mommies" can wear pants and grownups can wear diapers, how come we can't wear dressies?

Phil: Uh, 'cause they'll beat us up?

Joey: There they are!

Chuckie: Oh yeah.

(they start running again)

(Chuckie and Phil are by a steak pie booth)

Phil: Quick, Chuckie! Grab some!

(they try to throw them but can't throw far enough)

Phil: Split up!

(they start running again; cut to Israel's booth)

Announcer: Okay, everybody. Time to get up and dance the Horah!

(people start dancing; Chuckie approaches)

Chuckie: Phil, where are you?

(he gets caught temporarily in the dance line; runs out and bumps into Phil)

Phil: Chuckie, what happened?

Chuckie: The Horah! The Horah!

(Joey and Frankie appear)

Joey & Frankie: There they are! Get 'em!

(Chuckie and Phil start running; go down pasta slide into a sandbox; end up by men in Scottish garb)

Phil: Where are we?

Chuckie: I don't know. But I think everybody's leggy (?).

Boy #1: (with clan of Scottish boys) We're not leggy (?). We're Scotch babies. Those are some funny kilts you're wearing my friend. And what clan are ya?

Chuckie: Um, I don't know, but uh, can you hide us?

Boy #2: Well, will ya look at 'em Mark? They're the Clan Of The Duck.

Boy #1: Let's give a cheer for the Clan Of The Duck.

(all the kids cheer)

(Joey and Frankie appear)

Joey: There they are!

Chuckie: Oh no! They're gonna be mean to us.

Boy #1: Not in this part of the highlands. What do we say my lads?

(the Scott babies lift up their kilts to expose their diapers at Joey and Frankie and cheer)

Frankie: What are they doing?

(Chuckie and Phil join in)

Joey: Those babies are crazy! Let's get out of here.

Frankie: I'm with you.

(they run away, as the others laugh; Betty, Howard, Didi, Tommy, and Lil appear)

Betty: Aw, here they are. Little nippers at 11:00.

Didi: Oh, thank goodness we found them. Are they all right?

(puts Tommy down; he gets into the diaper bag)

Betty: Looks like we've got a little costume party goin' here.

Howard: I, I thought something was odd.

(Tommy wears shirt as a skirt)

Didi: Tommy!

Betty: Well now, looks like you want to play too!

Didi: Oh, well...

(cut to later)

Tommy: Thanks for helping Chuckie and Phil.

Phil: Thanks for the haggis.

Lil: What's that made out of anyway?

Boy #1: Sheep guts.

(kids lick their lips)

Chuckie: Well, bye bye.

Boy #1: What do you say lads? One more cheer for the Clan Of The Duck.

Boy #2: Aye, the Clan Of The Duck!

Boy #3: Up the kilt!

All: Hooray!

(lift kilts up in succession several times as they cheer)

Compilation (c) 1998 Kathleen Kremer.
Quotes (c) 1997 Viacom.

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